A delicious concoction of tasty morsels of thought, epiphany and general anger management

 
Inside the Actor's Studio

My acting credentials are well-known. If you need convincing, please go to the library and pick up the nearest copy of Pickle This! In addition to being one of the finer works to be produced about travelling theater company's, it details my time on the road with an intrepid group of actors. We had some fine times on the road, ingesting hallucinogenics and performing "Hamlet" in the nude. There was one time Jack Lemmon and I put rollers into Walter Matthau's hair. When he woke up the next morning, he had an Afro. Jack Lemmon and I laughed and laughed. I mean no offense to Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon is a dear friend of mine. I remember my days as a writer for the hit TV series Room 222. I'd just finished this one episode where I had Pete Dixon telling Cleon to focus on his studies instead of beating up the white kids. Jack Lemmon swung by the set. He had been filming The Out-of-Towners on a nearby lot. Jack Lemmon and I took turns flicking the stagehands behind the ears. Then, we got so liquored up we could see and made passionate love to the housekeeping staff of the Beverly Hills Hotel. In the morning, we'd drive to the Gold Coast and urinate on the statues. He was a good friend and I miss him dearly.

It was my appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio that had me waxing nostalgic about my glory days in TV and cinema. Here now, my answers to the questionnaire made famous by the great Bernard Pivot as administered to me by James Lipton:

JL: What is your favorite word?

GW: Zanzibar

JL: What is you least favorite word?

GW: Pudding

JL: What turns you on?

GW: There is a moment on a summer’s day, when it’s just about to rain. The air gets this heavy feel to it and if you breathe in, your nostrils and lungs will fill with the smell of something that can only be described as the closest one can come to heaven right here on Earth. Also, miniature golf.

JL: (laughs) Nicely done. What turns you off?

GW: When someone kicks you in the nuts so hard that you vomit.

JL: That is a turn-off. What sound or noise do you love?

GW: If you listen closely on a summer’s night, you can spy in on the sounds of love. If you hone your aural acuity, you will hear the mellifluous tones of two rabid raccoons, engaged in fierce sexual congress. It is awe-inspiring and truly beautiful.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

GW: I hate the sound of “Cancciones A Mi Padre,” by Linda Ronstadt

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

GW: Assbite.

JL: Interesting.

GW: I like to use it when I’m taunting the hoboes down at the rail yard.

JL: Well played. What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

GW: I always wanted to be a waiter/ess at Lucky Chang’s. I’ve had many an application turned down there.

JL: What profession would you not like to participate in?

GW: School nurse. My school nurse used to whip my ass with a length of surgical tubing when I went to her office complaining of stomach cramps.

JL: Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

GW: “I’m glad you are here. I can finally retire.”

posted by G.Wo at 2:15 PM