A delicious concoction of tasty morsels of thought, epiphany and general anger management

 
Results

Recently, and in accordance with the court's ruling, I was subjected to a rigorous psychological examination. The examination, conducted by the Bellevue Hospital facility, was a three day procedure set to evaluate my mental competentcies in several areas. Dr. Alexander Wolinetz, my brother, conducted the examination. I know what you are thinking. How could my parents possibly have produced more progeny after the genius that is simply known as "Wolinetz" was born unto the Earth? This is a valid question, but I assure you that we are related. Upon receiving his Ph.D in Psychiatric Medicine from Harvard Medical school, Dr. Wolinetz traveled the world as a roving psychiatric instructor, often teaching people that were not qualified and did not want to receive the training he offered. Upon returning to the United States, he honed his skills with that raving lunatic Liza Minnelli. I mean no offense to Liza Minnelli. Liza Minnelli is a dear friend of mine. In the days before she married a homosexual producer, Liza Minnelli and I would wonder the set of Arthur and try to set Dudley Moore's hair on fire with a crude melange of turpentine, vodka and triple sec. This mixture also made for a delicious after-dinner cocktail, provided you were a non-smoker. Liza Minnelli would board her father's yacht and make obscene gestures at the tourists of the Mexican Riviera. I miss those days.

My examination was trying. It took much energy to subject myself to the vagaries of the psychiatric community. My brother was of no help. He insisted that I run on a treadmill while undergoing the examination, which I found to be excessive during a routine Rohrshak test. In any event, upon conclusion of the exam, I was presented with the results. Here now for your enjoyment, the results of this exam:

-- Mr. Wolinetz, when returning home to his residence, will come in at 2:00 AM, don a Burger King crown and scream at residents of the house including the dogs, cats and birds, asking “Who’s da king?” His superiority complex could prove dangerous. Do not issue him the concealed assault rifle license that he has applied for.

-- Mr. Wolinetz demands that 13-year old Jewish kids invite him to their Bar Mitzvahs, threatening that he'll eat their yarmulkes if snubbed. These threats have been realized on several occasions, most notably the March 15, 2002 Weinstein Bar Mitzvah that made headlines all over the nation. These bizarre eating habits point to a borderline psychotic love of cheap velvet and pornography.

-- Although Mr. Wolinetz claims that he sees many movies, he rarely goes to the cinema. Instead, he hires homeless people to act out pivotal scenes from the films of Billy Bardy. When he does attend the cinema, he complains about the movie. No matter the genre, he compares the films to "that bastard Adam Sandler’s movies" He cites “Billy Madison” and “Happy Gilmore” most frequently. He also claims to have several digitally enhanced versions of "The Godfather," "Gone With The Wind" and "One Flew Over The Cookoo's Nest" all with Mr. Sandler in the lead. Mr. Wolinetz displays a shocking, almost perverse, obsession with Adam Sandler. The restraining order should be extended to 500 feet. Also, I'd like to see that version of "The Godfather."

-- He runs cockfights fights in his Upper West Side apartment, but is too cheap to use roosters. The battles are instead fought by jumbo prawns purchased bulk from Red Lobster. Mr. Wolinetz consumes the losers of these fights live, in front of a mortified audience. Advise the Red Lobster company to cease this transaction at once. Also, this consumption of live seafood is almost textbook. Mr. Wolinetz has a clear penchant for beastiality.

During his stay, Mr. wolinetz has had sexual intercourse with 5 of the staff nurses. He has an almost animal magnetism. Post coitus, these women provide a similar recounting of the episode, describing a "dark, musky scent" and "the blinding light of passion." I am bewildered by the psychiatric ramifications of this information. In all my years of training, I have never seen such a phenomenon. It is the advice of this professional that Mr. Wolinetz be confined to his home for a period of two weeks, during which he not be allowed to go near the food processor, blender, really anything sharp at all. He should be considered a danger to society.

posted by G.Wo at 8:31 AM