A delicious concoction of tasty morsels of thought, epiphany and general anger management

 
Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls ...

"For whom the bell tolls? Why, dear sir, it tolls for thee." This is what I am told as I disembark from my small twin propellor plane in Agua Del Piedro, Spain. It is here that I have arrived for the sole purpose of finding a brief respite from the pressures of my daily life. Alongside me are Cuban Bob, my allegiant man-servant, and Ralph, my houseboy. Yet as soon as I get off the plane, I realize that there is no place on Earth, on this wonderful blue-green planet, that I can be truly alone. The people of Agua Del Piedro had been alerted to my pending arrival somehow and they waited at their meager airport with wine, cheese and women. The band that had been hastily assembled played selected pieces from Gordon Lightfoot. A humble yet proud looking man approached me as I reached the bottom step.
"Please, Wolinetz, address our people. We get so few visitors. Your arrival was predicted by the swelling of the bull's testicles."
"What is your name, senor?"
"I am Juan Epstein," he replied with zeal.
"Juan Epstein, your words have moved me," I told this spokesman, "I will address your unwashed masses, as if they were my own."
He kissed my hand repeatedly, "Oh, thank you, Wolinetz, thank you."
I asked Cuban Bob to get the bags and had Ralph carry me piggyback to the makeshift podium that had been set up. The band pIayed "If You Could Read My Mind," and I spoke briefly yet eloquently.
"People of Agua Del Piedro, thank you for your warm and glorious reception. As a citizen of the world, I am proud to come to your beautiful village to take a but a brief sojourn from my hectic life, perhaps to impregnate some of your young women as well."
A mighty cheer arose from the crowd, led by a small boy who identified himself by wearing a t-shirt that said, "Fuck the Cows."
"I am reminded now of something that my ex-wife, Natalie Wood, once told me, 'Wolinetz,' she said, 'I am unworthy of you. Each night, before we make sweet, passionate love for 5 to 6 hours, I thank the heavens that you were delivered to me.' This is true. I mean no offense to Natalie Wood. Natalie Wood is a dear friend of mine. In the West Side Story days of the early 1960s, Natalie Wood and I would take off for Monte Carlo at a moment's notice. There we would dine with Prince Rainier and Grace Kelly. The Prince was a randy fellow and told dirty joke after dirty joke. We'd spend the evening playing strip poker. As I am an expert poker player, it was usually the good Prince who wound up completely nude, with but a well placed sock. Natalie Wood and I would dine at a Medieval Times restaurant. What can I say? The woman loved to eat with her hands. I digress. Good people of Agua Del Piedro, thank you for your hospitality. I'll be sure to write of you favorably. Ralph, take me away."
With that, Ralph removed me from the throng of cheering Spaniards. I knew then that the people of Agua Del Piedro had embraced me, and I them.


posted by G.Wo at 6:43 AM

 
The Real World Awaits

Of course, I speak not of the transcendent reality series started by MTV some 11 years ago which I spoke feverishly and fervently for at a benefit for the Museum of Television and Radio. (RIP Pedro, mourn you 'till I join you). I speak of that world outside of university, the world which we enter with wonderment and excitement at the conclusion of our stay in school. I speak of the days of ones early 20s, those days which I have long since left behind me, those days which abandoned me like Ted Danson after the police busted up our pornographic film ring. I mean no offense to Ted Danson. Ted Danson is a dear friend of mine. In the early 1980s, Ted Danson and I would bring young women into our co-op that we purchased for a very reasonable price at an estate auction for Orson Welles. We would ask them to ride the wild boar we kept in our guest room. This was nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you. At times, we'd take off to Tijuana, where we'd purchase a bottle of tequila for a nickel and lick it off the bartender's chest. The bartender, a portly Mexican man named Cesar Chavez (like the migrant worker activist), would then take a piece of loose concrete and smash us over the head. I digress.

When I speak of the real world, I refer to a commencement speech that I gave not long ago at the pretigious Murray State University. This speech, given May 18, 1992, sought to give insight to how I make my way, day to day, through this topsy-turvy place we call life. Here now the transcript of that address:

"Thank you, President Kurth, and thanks to your wife Betty as well. That was one hell of a meal last night. Dean Wormer, Vice Presidents Denton and Bailey, thank you also. May your britches be clean and your drawers unsolied.
To the graduating class of 1992, I have always been told that a good speaker should start with a good joke, you know, loosen up the crowd. So here goes. A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'd like a gin .................... and tonic.' The bartenders says, 'What's with the huge pause?' Polar bear says, 'Fuck if I know, I've always had 'em.' (As a side note, this is really more of an aural joke than a visual one. Feel free to tell it as well. It is wildly funny.)
This, class of '92, is what I ask you to remember. The world is full of people who will tell you that the way you behave is incorrect. People will tell you that the way you do things is wrong. Your first and only commitment in this world is yourself. If someone asks you why you are the way you are, 'Fuck if I know, I've always had 'em.' As the one of the greatest writers, poets and lovemakers that this world has ever known, I have a huge responsibility to share with the world my keen insight and my wonderful gifts. Many of you, I suspect, are not talented at all. Many of you are probably not employed as of yet. I'd imagine some of you need help tying your shoes in the morning. This makes no difference. I am here to tell you that you need not be intelligent, have good personal hygiene or driving skills. You need not be able to get every spot when shaving or or even be generally physically attractive at all. You may have loose moral practices or even poor grammar. All of this is excusable if you remember this one very important thing. Eventually, you are going to die. It will likely be a long horrible death also. You probably won't have any loved ones, since you are a generally repulsive human being, so you got that going for you.
As I said, my responsibility to the world is huge. I have known many great people in this lifetime. Just two days ago, I was partying in the Oakland area mansion of MC Hammer. The way that man spends money and lavishes gifts on his friends and family, I suspect he will never be destitute. He will always have the love of his peers and family. Plus, the man makes some good music, am I right? Anyway, Hammer takes me aside and says, 'Wolinetz, I've been around the world, from London to the Bay. It's 'Hammer', 'Go Hammer', 'MC Hammer', 'Yo, Hammer'. The rest can go away. You understand what I'm saying? You can't touch this.' I told him that I did indeed understand. I also have been around the world, as it were, from London to the Bay. I have seen people do things that you only think happen in movies. One time, I saw I guy take a crap on the streets of Munich. This world is a great and glorious place. Live each day to the fullest, Class of '92. There is much to see and do.
So, graduates, my advice to you is simple, take nothing for granted. You will likely live defeatist lives. You will likely be unhappy and unsuccessful. Vote in this election. No one wants Bush around much longer. So help me Buddha, if I lose another dime in the market, I'm going to throttle that 'Wouldn't be prudent' bastard. Wear sunscreen. Punch the next person you see for good luck. Don't spend more than 10 bucks for sunglasses. You can never have too many white t-shirts. Don't eat your vegetables. Have as much sexual intercourse as you possibly can and try to have anal sex at least once. When you see a celebrity, gawk at him/her and make him/her feel as uncomfortable as possible. See the Grateful Dead and Nirvana in concert because their lead singers will both be dead in less than 5 years. Finally, read my books. I am insightful, witty and unbelievebaly good looking. Both the Scared Tit and Let's Go Indonesia on on bookshelves now.
Thank you for pretending to listen."

posted by G.Wo at 6:41 AM

 
Critics, Shmritics

I think the Chicago Chronicle once called me, "extraneous and not quite sane." I recall that the Washington Post called my writing, "jubilant and puissant." I read that the Los Angeles Times mentioned, "Wolinetz has the extraordinary gift of being able to make the totally incomprehensible even more so." And, if I am not mistaken, the New York Times Book Review was noted, "Wolinetz ... has ... the ... biggest ... set ... of ... balls." Despite being worthless, bottom-feeding despicable characters, they possess a certain amount of charm in their work. After all, a novelist with the worldwide acclaim and impact that I've had has a certain responsibility to his critics. Right? Wrong. I'm here to tell you critics, shmritics. These so-called critics, these supposed guardians of literary genius, have long aligned against me, jealous of my talent. I can not help this.

Claire Danes once told me, basking in the warm afterglow of monkey-like sexual congress, "There will be those who are jealous of your enormous talent, emphasis on the enormous. Do not heed their catcalls, their envious sneers. Pay no attention to their invidious efforts to minimize you. It is the work that matters, it is about the art. Now, hop back on. Mama's ready for another ride." I mean no offense to Claire Danes. Claire Danes is a dear friend of mine. Claire Danes and I used to steal Kate Beckinsale's hair clips on the set of Brokedown Palace and use them to make funny faces. We'd tour Hong Kong under the influence and make exaggerated, overt sexual overtures to the organ grinders. We would join my friend Craig for cotton candy. Claire Danes and I would smoke hashish and then jump on the back of chicken trucks. Then she'd push me off and leave me for dead. Our relationship was tumultuous and passionate. Once more, I digress.

When the critics lashed out against my wonderful mission to maintain the most memorable mammals of the planet, 1971's Mammalia Mayhem Volume One: The History of the Aardvark, that was the last straw. The following is a letter addressed to the literary community, published in the May 21, 1972 issue of Harper's Bazaar:

"To the "guardians of literature",

When undertaking a task as grandiose as the one that I have undertaken, you are likely to encounter some opposition. Some fueled by a distaste for common literary practice, some fueled by envy, still others fueled by having a crab planted so far up their ass, hemorroids have ceased to be a concern. I suspect that many of you bombastic simpletons fall into one of these categories, most probably the latter. Your categorical and uninhibited dismantling of my book, Mammalia Mayhem Volume One: The History of the Aardvark , is among some of the most careless ever produced. I cite two prominent rumors floating around about me.

With regards to the widely published notion that I have sex with German Shephards: This is an outrage. My simple comment was merely, 'I like dogs.' Your reckless and irresponsible journalism has put my pending engagement to noted animal lover Betty White in serious jeopardy. With reagrds to the ludicrous assertion that my writing is some how co-opted from other sources, I am angered virtually beyond speech. I'm out of order? You are out of order. This whole courtroom is out of order. I hope, gentlemen, that you could be a little more selective in that which you choose to publish. My work stands alone as the greatest single achievement among the people reading this note. I should hope, 'guardians of the written word', that you would be able to tell the difference.

Good day to you.

Humbly,
Geoffrey Aloysius Wolinetz

posted by G.Wo at 7:24 AM

 
Cheese, Glorious Cheese

As I've stated many times over, I am a man of extreme empathy. As I have no serious personal problems other than my numerous run-ins with the law and my on again, off again bouts with venereal disease, it is easy for me to appeal to the masses. When I was approached about writing a book to champion the cause of mental retardation, I leapt at the chance. After all, who would be better to chronicle a life filled with obstacles better than a man with little to no trouble in his unbelievably decadent and shallow life? I submit that no one would be. It's like Paul Lynde always said to me, "Wolinetz, you show me a gay man from Guatemala and I'll show you a tropical fruit." I do not mean to insult Paul Lynde. Paul Lynde is a dear friend of mine. In the late 1970s, we'd spend hours out by his Beverly Hills pool, ingesting quaaludes and pitching pennies. Paul Lynde could pitch a mean penny but he was a gentleman about it. In those days of the late 1970s, Paul Lynde and I would put on our paisley jackets and giggle at the hookers on Hollywood Blvd. Well, he would giggle. I would have sex with them. We'd hit the set of Hollywood Squares and take turns kicking Peter Marshall in the nuts. I digress.

I spent some time in Kentucky researching the atmosphere and the inbreds. I wove a delightful little tale of a mentally retarded woman. Inventor, lover, Senator, she made her way through life with a innocent innocence. As you may or may not know, this was adapted into a movie starring Cuba Gooding, Jr called "Snow Dogs." I removed my name from the project after a lengthy battle with Cuba as to who would get to scream, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!" each morning. An excerpt from Cheese of Kentucky:

"Mama said it wasn't possible but I just chewed the gum, didn't matter none to me if it floated or not. But when Mama told me to spit my gum out at the dinner table, I did it. And when it just hung there in the air, over the table, Mama let out a scream that coulda woke the dead. I thought she's gonna right pass out. So, I took the gum out the air and put it in the garbage can. When I come back to the dinner table, Mama had that look on her face. The one she always got when I told her about the walrus that lived in my closet. He has tusks.
'Chile, now don't joke with yo' mama. How'd you go and do that?'
'I told you mama, it just floats. I put summa them soap bubbles you gave me in with the chewing gum.'
'You ain't messin' with me, Sue Ann Betty Sue Turner-McCoy?'
'Nome.' And I wasn't. I thought it'd be right hilarious to have my gum float like it did. So I mixed them bubbles in there and then it happened. The gum jus' hung there, like it were on a string or somethin'
Mama just put some dinner on my plate and didn't say a word. I jus' ate quitely. Collard greens was my favorite and even though we was dirt po', Mama always managed to serve some almost every night. I looked up at Mama. She was eatin' real quiet, mosly jus' pickin' at her food.
'Mama, ain't you hungry?' I asked her. I sure was hungry. I was so hungry I could eat the table too.
'No, chile. Not so hungry tonight.' I looked at Mama's face and I could tell. She wanted to go check the closet for walruses. I didn't blame her. The dang walrus eats more'n he's worth ..."

posted by G.Wo at 9:05 AM

 
Those Were The Salad Days, Although These Are Good Too

I woke up this morning, in my spacious three bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, groggy from a night of alcohol soaked sleep. I was reminded of my younger days, those days that I spent in an off-off-Broadway Theater troupe. I worked as their "gofer," there to fetch their coffee, their bagels, their morning fare, their fuzzy bunny slippers. Often, I was persuaded to join their sexual games. "Pass The Dildo," "Hot Dildo," and "Where Have You Gone, Sweet Dildo?" were among their favorites. I gained valuable insight and experience in the life of a creative genius. I was the right hand man of our director, Luke "No Balls" Johnson. No Balls had a knack for developing young talent and he saw something in me. No Balls took me under his wing and we spent a glorious year together touring the country with our troupe. Among the no talent actors in my troupe were John Cassavettes, Sir Laurence Olivier, Tony Randall and Billy Dee Williams. I remember remarking to myself that Olivier had potential. I often wonder what became of him. He must be dead by now.

I am reminded of something that the stunning Lauren Bacall told me while we were engaged in our steamy 2 year affair. She looked deeply in to my eyes and said, "True genius knows no bounds. Be a slave to your talent. It will not mislead you. Now get out of my house, you cocksucker." We had a love-hate relationship. In any event, I chronicled these salad days in my novel Pickle This!. Once again, I refer you to Froot Salad, Josh Abraham's wonderful critical analysis of my work, for a summary of my body of work. An exceprt from Pickle This!:

"We boarded the bus, our heads sunken and our loins silenced. Another night of miserable crowds, poor lighting, oppressive heat and no money had finally gotten the best of our youthful vigor. We were no match for the heartache that road brought. I turned to Billy Dee Williams, seeking the large smile and bottle of Colt 45 that generally accompanied the long bus ride to the next city. The well was dry.
'I done got none left, Rev," Billy Dee said to me, slipping out of the stage voice he used.
Billy Dee's comment spoke volumes. I gazed around the bus and I could feel my heart break inside my chest. Indeed, the whole troupe had none left. But what could I do? There was but one answer. It would be a bold move, for I was merely their bagel/coffee/slipper fetcher. However, I recalled my days in Arabia. The sultan had told me to follow my talent. To not be afraid. He had told me that his penis was 12 inches long. I could not submit to the misery that enveloped the bus like an envelope. I would spend all night working on it, but Mr. Pucker's Pickle Problems would be ready for the stage tomorrow ...
... I informed the cast and crew that there would be no need for them to prepare this evening. I was giving them the night off. I left them for the stage with this impassioned speech:
'Friends, I love you all very much, and I hope that I have been able to spread a little bit of my love to each of you, as I am so very capable in that arena of my life. Tonight, I give my heart and my passion to the stage. It is my one-man show. I have poured my heart on to these pages. I dedicate it to you, my friends. For it is you that have shown me so much over the past 6 months that we have spent together. I have brought you bagels, this is true. Now I bring you the life blood which flows through the cockles of my heart. I ask you merely to gaze longingly on my Herculean form, bask in the glory of my ability, relent to the will of my song. It is true that I am more talented than you but do not forget, you are all gifted, especially you Billy Dee. Now I am off. Wish me well, my friends.'
The cheers from my troupe swelled. No Balls beamed with pride. And I, I was about to unveil my masterpiece to the world. Well, Dubuque, Iowa anyway ..."

Those were the salad days, although these are good too.

posted by G.Wo at 6:05 AM

 
Monday Morning Lament

Once again, another Monday morning besieges my semi-consciousness, like the semi-colon besieges the work of an inexperienced journalist. My hazy, polluted head seeks to reclaim its legendary lucidity from a weekend of malaise. I gaze at the bookshelf, off to the left of my desk at this major media company, and scan my body of work. (For an abridged summary and description, please see Josh Abraham's magnificent site, Froot Salad) As the most prolific author named Wolinetz, I have a huge cross to bear. In my autobiographical piece, Camels Have Two Humps, I explain the nature of my drive to success. For those of you unfamiliar with that work, it's a summary of my holidays on the Arabian peninsula as waterboy for a sultan with 100 wives. An excerpt:

"It is hot today. Like yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. The sultan demands Gatorade. I sense that he is a demanding man. I only provide water. This is not good enough and he has me flogged. They tell me he is mad from syphillis, but I am not convinced. Why does this "madman" keep me around? I provide water, as well as powerful tantric sex, to many of his wives. They are satisfied and demand that I continue to satiate their unquenchable thirst. I tell them that I am here for the sultan. The sultan needs me to tend to his water needs. I have learned at the tender age of 14 that my virility is both a blessing and a curse. The sultan calls me to his room.
'Wolinetz, have you come with the Gatorade?' He wears a diaper.
'Sultan, I provide only water. If you would like ...'
'Silence!' He throws a serving platter at me, which I avoid easily, as he is nearly blind from the syphillis. 'Wolinetz, change my diaper.'
I do as I am instructed with great effort, as the sultan, a hefty man before, has become bloated with the 3rd stage of his venereal disease.
'Wolinetz, your father is a great friend of mine. I have done him a favor by bringing you here. Milk the elephant when pigs fly through dusk.' Was he mad? Or was that code?
"Thank you, Sultan.' I bowed.
'Your talent knows no boundaries. Remember you must be a servant to your talent. Let it guide you. My penis is 12 inches long.'
'Thank you, Sultan.'
He dismissed me and began to gnaw on the leg of his bed. It was then I knew. My talent was a blessing, one that I could not ignore, like I'd ignored the early signs of the syphillis I'd contracted that summer. It was then I knew. Camels have two humps."

My memories of the Sultan are strong, like when he'd latch on to your leg and start humping. There was nothing you could do, you just had to let him ride it out.

posted by G.Wo at 7:43 AM